Before you judge me for sharing too much information about my bowel habits, no, I do not in fact have diarrhea, and even if I did, as much as I tell you lovely folks, that would not be something that I would share! No, no, and NO! I am a lady after all. So, no, that is not what this post is about. This post is about my new maid who we shall call Khun Number Four & Final. I have to call her that because we are leaving Thailand soon and there is no way that I will be hiring yet another maid.
So, a little back story; this maid is number four. Maid number one left me to open a bakery and her English was very broken, but we could communicate very well and she set the gold standard for maids. Maid number two it took 15 minutes and two Thai/English translators to fire her (in case you missed it, she spoke NO English). Maid number three took nine, yes NINE, paid vacation days before quitting, bad mouthing me to other Expats, and then begged for her job back. She spoke great English, and what she lacked in cleaning skills she made up for with helping with the kiddos when I went grocery shopping. But again, she took nine paid vacation days and she was only with me for about 8 weeks.
Which brings us to maid number four, Khun Number Four & Final ( Khun NFF, for short). Khun NFF and I came into contact due to a very dear friend, the sassy and awesome Mrs. S, and her former maid (who shall remain nameless due to our current feelings toward her). Khun Nameless brought Khun NFF over to my house one fine Saturday morning and it was very apparent, very quickly I might add, why she brought this woman over verses just referring her. Apparently Khun NFF does not speak a lick of English. In the past this would have bothered me (especially in light of maid 2), but I gave up on the whole English speaking thing and decided to hire Khun NFF. Besides, having a maid makes me look like a really awesome wife and like I have my shit together, and really, who wouldn't want to prolong that imagine when you can ;-)
Khun NFF and I had the typical growing pains associate with her being new in my home and dealing with things the way I wanted. Other then that, in my opinion, I thought things were going very well. Every now and then I would ask our driver if she were happy, and he always said yes. I was very pleased with this because she liked me. He said that. He said she liked me. She really liked me!! Yes, finally someone who may stay and not take a bazillion vacation days, because she likes me!!! I know that sounds pathetic, really I do, but after losing three other maids and going through what we did to get our fantastic driver, a girl tends to develop a complex.
And then one day it happened. I asked the question and he says "yes madam, she happy. You very easy take care of, but...". Oh, the but. How did I know that he would eventually through out "but". Insert complex here! Oh man. She does not like me. She does not like me at all!! Why??? What did I do?? Why doesn't she like me?? Again, yes pathetic I know, but I couldn't help thinking those thoughts. However, the "but" wasn't as bad as I feared. It wasn't bad at all, really. In fact, the "but" was actually quite heartwarming, if you will. She wasn't happy because she couldn't talk to me. She wanted to learn English to talk to ME!!! Bye, bye complex, and hello pathetic girl who is happy that her maid likes her!
My driver however was not pleased with her declaration that she wanted to go to school and promptly told her that she was too old. Poor guy. He really does not know how to talk to women. Like at all. I remember showing him a dress that I got from the dress shop one day, and maid number three proclaimed that he should buy one for his wife and he said "Oh no. She too fat. She very, very big!" (insert very big hand gestures, here). He told her that she should just try talking to me instead. Okay, I can work with that. However, once I took it upon myself to engage her more, it quickly became apparent that not only did she not speak English, she doesn't all that much understand it either. Charades was getting us nowhere. And I do mean nowhere. I happen to think that I'm pretty good at that game now, but not with Khun NFF.
Eventually though, I did notice that she was coming in with more English words. She actually sang to the kids one day the ABC's. Hmm, this got me thinking that maybe just being around us was helping her. She would come in and say "good morning", she would call the kids by their names, she still said "I come back, go home" when it was quitting time, but I really thought that she was doing a good job with the few words that it seemed she picked up from us. We still had to call the driver when we need significant information exchanged, but charades was getting easier, so I figured we were on the right track to teaching Khun NFF English.
I realized yesterday that I was very wrong about us, the kids and I that is, being the source of her new found English skills. Around 4:15, when I knew that she was done for the day and was just hanging around until quitting time, I walked into her room and told her that she could come back go home. That is when I noticed that she was reading a book. So, I asked her what she was reading. She promptly walked over with a big smile on her face and showed me the book. It was a copy of a Thai to English book. She had/has been reading this book and learning English all along, because again, she likes me and wants to talk to me. This is however where the story takes a very funny "I have diarrhea" turn.
The first sentence that I see when she hands me the book was a translation for "I have diarrhea". Now, why in the whole big wide world would a Thai person need to know the translation for that sentence?? I can understand a farang like myself needing to know how to say that in Thai, (especially given the state of some of the restaurants around here and given the multitude of street vendors) but a Thai person needing to know how to say that in English just blows my mind. I mean seriously, if a Thai person needs to go to the Dr. for diarrhea, chances are that they can communicate this perfectly fine in Thai. Out of all the key phrases a Thai person should know in English, that ain't one of them!!
Being that I really like this woman and want her to have a good job before I leave, and knowing that "I have diarrhea" should not be the first full English sentence that Khun NFF says, especially to a prospective new employer, I told her to stay put and ran inside to find my extra copy of my language book from my Thai lessons. I mean seriously, I could not let this woman leave my house knowing how to say THAT perfectly and still proclaiming "I come back, go home" as her goodbye for the day.
After skimming the book for a few seconds, I was rewarded with another big ol' Thai smile and one very big "thank you" (well, lots of thanks. She was very happy). Given her work ethic I am very hopeful, and almost certain, that when she gets her next job she will have a better understanding of English and be able to speak it (you know, minus the whole diarrhea part) very well. She is a great maid, a hard worker, and a really nice person.
Kristen
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Be afraid, be very afraid...
Of the crazy white woman living in 3C. I am certain, absolutely certain, that the poor flower lady was thinking just that on Monday when she dropped by for her weekly sale. If you have been following this blog since the beginning then you remember all about "Remy" the interloper and about how despite his unwelcome appearance in my life and that of the world in fact, no Thai person would kill him. I tried getting him offed to no avail. Even though I couldn't do anything about Remy, I could, and can, do something about the many geckos that live in our house.
The Monday started out like any. My kids were up way too early after a long night and I still hadn't managed to put on my coffee or a bra when the doorbell rings. Flower lady was running early, just like everything else it seemed. So, after I grab my wallet I walk to the door and open it to find a big gecko staring at me from the INSIDE of the screen door. Now, my thinking is that the screen door should screen unwanted pest from getting into my house. Apparently, that isn't how it works here... Anyway, after screaming like a crazy person while simultaneously trying to relay my flower order, the gecko found a way to get into my living room. Since the flower lady didn't have the flowers that I wanted she had to go back to her truck, and while she did that, I took the opportunity to exact my revenge on the gecko.
After slamming the door (really, I slammed that sucker so loud my doorbell rang), I took off for the shoe closet and grabbed my tennis shoe. It was a big gecko and a little slow, so I didn't have much of a chase. By this time however, the little sucker managed to cram himself right in front of the front door. I swear, I really do need to film me killing a gecko one day because apparently I go a bit savage. I start screaming and jumping around, and when I'm done I swear my heart is beating so fast you would swear I had just run a marathon. Seriously, these things scare the living daylights out of me! Anyway, apparently, unbeknownst to me, the flower lady had returned and was waiting on me outside while all this commotion was going on. She may have also seen me through the side panel window, but I cannot verify that, nor do I want to.
So, after he had been dealt with I didn't really have time to clean up my mess so I just opened the door. And yep, there she stood, wide mouthed, slacked arms, and just this look of utter confusion and fright on her face. I'm beginning to think that opening the door with a dead gecko at my feet, while holding my pink tennis shoe, and wearing the smile of a crazy girl, was NOT a good idea!!
After she tentatively took my money, she ran, (yes ran), back to her truck. I was sure that I would never see her again. But alas, money is a big motivator and I'm a good client, so she was back the next week. I did notice that she stood slightly farther away from me though ;-)
Until next time,
Kristen
The Monday started out like any. My kids were up way too early after a long night and I still hadn't managed to put on my coffee or a bra when the doorbell rings. Flower lady was running early, just like everything else it seemed. So, after I grab my wallet I walk to the door and open it to find a big gecko staring at me from the INSIDE of the screen door. Now, my thinking is that the screen door should screen unwanted pest from getting into my house. Apparently, that isn't how it works here... Anyway, after screaming like a crazy person while simultaneously trying to relay my flower order, the gecko found a way to get into my living room. Since the flower lady didn't have the flowers that I wanted she had to go back to her truck, and while she did that, I took the opportunity to exact my revenge on the gecko.
After slamming the door (really, I slammed that sucker so loud my doorbell rang), I took off for the shoe closet and grabbed my tennis shoe. It was a big gecko and a little slow, so I didn't have much of a chase. By this time however, the little sucker managed to cram himself right in front of the front door. I swear, I really do need to film me killing a gecko one day because apparently I go a bit savage. I start screaming and jumping around, and when I'm done I swear my heart is beating so fast you would swear I had just run a marathon. Seriously, these things scare the living daylights out of me! Anyway, apparently, unbeknownst to me, the flower lady had returned and was waiting on me outside while all this commotion was going on. She may have also seen me through the side panel window, but I cannot verify that, nor do I want to.
So, after he had been dealt with I didn't really have time to clean up my mess so I just opened the door. And yep, there she stood, wide mouthed, slacked arms, and just this look of utter confusion and fright on her face. I'm beginning to think that opening the door with a dead gecko at my feet, while holding my pink tennis shoe, and wearing the smile of a crazy girl, was NOT a good idea!!
After she tentatively took my money, she ran, (yes ran), back to her truck. I was sure that I would never see her again. But alas, money is a big motivator and I'm a good client, so she was back the next week. I did notice that she stood slightly farther away from me though ;-)
Until next time,
Kristen
The Squat Pot
Oh, the squat pot! Yes, it is as interesting as it sounds!! You see, when you move to Thailand there are a few things that people don't tell you about. They will tell you that it is like living the life of a vacationer year around. There are drivers, maids, nannies, huge houses that you would never be able to afford to live in state side, etc. That's the sales pitch, you see. Vacation?? Maid?? Driver??? Sign me up, please!!! What they don't tell you are all the gory details, which kind of remind of when I was pregnant and gave birth. It's magical, they say! Ha!! I'm beginning to think "They" do know of what they speak.
The first time I encountered the pot was at the Tokyo airport. I'm a last stall kind of girl. I like to do my business in private. Well, low and behold when I opened that last stall door there it stood, or better yet, sat, the squat pot. I quickly opened every door in the restroom to see where exactly I could do my business without appearing as though I was trying out to be the catcher on a pro baseball team. Thankfully, I found it and all was well. However, that was not the last time I would see the pot.
So, Thailand.. Umm, yeah. Well, I had been lucky up until recently to never encounter the squat pot in a situation where that, or the side of the road, were my only options. You see, not only is it the squat pot that you have to worry about, but its the lack of toilet paper. You cant flush toilet paper here, or you are not supposed to, so typically they don't have it. When they do have it, they have a trash can next to the toilet where you are supposed to put your used paper. Lets just say that I have seen way more bodily functions then I really care to... When they don't have toilet paper, what they do have however, is disgusting. Even more disgusting then the poopy paper, bucket. They have a bucket of water with a ladle sitting next to the squat pot. Care to guess how you use that??? Well, folks, its not glamorous or pretty, that's for sure! And yes, it is communal, and no they do not change it after every person... Now, I'm not sure about you, but I have in the past brought my own TP when I knew the occasion would call for it. I have not however, brought my own bucket and ladle.
A few months back my oldest got a case of upset stomach. Now, just imagine how much a squat pot with communal bucket sucks during normal times, and multiple that times 100% with a stomach ache. It sucks even more when your husband frantically calls you from the WOMEN's restroom!!! (only urinals in the men's) to tell you that he needs baby wipes and sanitizer, ASAP!! After grabbing the supplies I head to the restroom to find it covered in about three inches of restroom water and my six year old SITTING on a squat pot!! Yes, he was sitting!!! I look at my husband, look at my son, then back to my husband and say the first thing that comes to mind "What the hell dude!" Apparently trying to hold a 40 pound, lanky, six year old boy over a squat pot while trying to juggle his underwear necessitated sitting on the squat pot. Lets just say that 64 wipes of a brand new pack of antibacterial wipes, a bottle of Purell, and 5 times of being soaped up in the shower, was the ONLY thing that gave me peace about that situation. I may have also asked my husband if we should take him to the DR. to get him a shot. A shot of what, I have no idea, but I was convinced that he needed to be seen!
The next time that I encountered the squat pot was very recently on our way to Koh Chang. We had stopped at a gas station because I really needed to go and because our driver needed to make a phone call. All was well with that restroom. The next stop, umm no! I guess because we had ventured off the beaten path a little, Ex-Pats were no longer a consideration when they put in toilets. So, I decided to wait until we got to the ferry. Surly they would have a Western toilet there. Right??? Wrong!!! Big fat wrong!! What amazed me though was this Asian girl who walked out as I was walking in. I didn't notice her attire when I walked in as I had other things on my mind, but her attire caught my attention in a big way when I walked out and realized that she must have used the squat pot. She was wearing a romper (not really sure how she managed that one) and five inch platform heals!!. Now, please tell me how in the world the girl managed to go like that??? If she did, I, in my flip flop and shorts could have done it! Right??? Right??? Wrong, again!! I just couldn't get over my mental block of peeing in that hole. I could not put my feet on a spot where pee and poop splatter was residing. I just couldn't do it...
Apparently the reverse is true for Asian women in that they cannot put their butts in a spot where pee and poop splatter are likely residing, because from what I hear, they do not like Western toilets (hover ladies, just hover). Apparently they do not, for the most part, even know how to use them. I am making that assumption purely based on the fact that in the mall restrooms they actually have signs with a woman standing on a Western toilet with a slash through it. The next picture is of a woman sitting on the toilet looking happy and no slash. Weirdest signs E-V-E-R!!!
Anyway, I have to make dinner now, so I guess I had better get going. So, if you are ever in Thailand, just remember, skip the TP and bring the ladle!! (and maybe your own bucket ;-))
See ya,
Kristen
The first time I encountered the pot was at the Tokyo airport. I'm a last stall kind of girl. I like to do my business in private. Well, low and behold when I opened that last stall door there it stood, or better yet, sat, the squat pot. I quickly opened every door in the restroom to see where exactly I could do my business without appearing as though I was trying out to be the catcher on a pro baseball team. Thankfully, I found it and all was well. However, that was not the last time I would see the pot.
So, Thailand.. Umm, yeah. Well, I had been lucky up until recently to never encounter the squat pot in a situation where that, or the side of the road, were my only options. You see, not only is it the squat pot that you have to worry about, but its the lack of toilet paper. You cant flush toilet paper here, or you are not supposed to, so typically they don't have it. When they do have it, they have a trash can next to the toilet where you are supposed to put your used paper. Lets just say that I have seen way more bodily functions then I really care to... When they don't have toilet paper, what they do have however, is disgusting. Even more disgusting then the poopy paper, bucket. They have a bucket of water with a ladle sitting next to the squat pot. Care to guess how you use that??? Well, folks, its not glamorous or pretty, that's for sure! And yes, it is communal, and no they do not change it after every person... Now, I'm not sure about you, but I have in the past brought my own TP when I knew the occasion would call for it. I have not however, brought my own bucket and ladle.
A few months back my oldest got a case of upset stomach. Now, just imagine how much a squat pot with communal bucket sucks during normal times, and multiple that times 100% with a stomach ache. It sucks even more when your husband frantically calls you from the WOMEN's restroom!!! (only urinals in the men's) to tell you that he needs baby wipes and sanitizer, ASAP!! After grabbing the supplies I head to the restroom to find it covered in about three inches of restroom water and my six year old SITTING on a squat pot!! Yes, he was sitting!!! I look at my husband, look at my son, then back to my husband and say the first thing that comes to mind "What the hell dude!" Apparently trying to hold a 40 pound, lanky, six year old boy over a squat pot while trying to juggle his underwear necessitated sitting on the squat pot. Lets just say that 64 wipes of a brand new pack of antibacterial wipes, a bottle of Purell, and 5 times of being soaped up in the shower, was the ONLY thing that gave me peace about that situation. I may have also asked my husband if we should take him to the DR. to get him a shot. A shot of what, I have no idea, but I was convinced that he needed to be seen!
The next time that I encountered the squat pot was very recently on our way to Koh Chang. We had stopped at a gas station because I really needed to go and because our driver needed to make a phone call. All was well with that restroom. The next stop, umm no! I guess because we had ventured off the beaten path a little, Ex-Pats were no longer a consideration when they put in toilets. So, I decided to wait until we got to the ferry. Surly they would have a Western toilet there. Right??? Wrong!!! Big fat wrong!! What amazed me though was this Asian girl who walked out as I was walking in. I didn't notice her attire when I walked in as I had other things on my mind, but her attire caught my attention in a big way when I walked out and realized that she must have used the squat pot. She was wearing a romper (not really sure how she managed that one) and five inch platform heals!!. Now, please tell me how in the world the girl managed to go like that??? If she did, I, in my flip flop and shorts could have done it! Right??? Right??? Wrong, again!! I just couldn't get over my mental block of peeing in that hole. I could not put my feet on a spot where pee and poop splatter was residing. I just couldn't do it...
Apparently the reverse is true for Asian women in that they cannot put their butts in a spot where pee and poop splatter are likely residing, because from what I hear, they do not like Western toilets (hover ladies, just hover). Apparently they do not, for the most part, even know how to use them. I am making that assumption purely based on the fact that in the mall restrooms they actually have signs with a woman standing on a Western toilet with a slash through it. The next picture is of a woman sitting on the toilet looking happy and no slash. Weirdest signs E-V-E-R!!!
Anyway, I have to make dinner now, so I guess I had better get going. So, if you are ever in Thailand, just remember, skip the TP and bring the ladle!! (and maybe your own bucket ;-))
See ya,
Kristen
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