Fight or flight: the natural response that people have when faced with a crisis. They either A) fight, or B) fly away. I think for the most part people would like to think of themselves as fighters, as those who stand up to the challenge when faced with a crisis, and not fliers who, well, fly! I know that about two days ago I thought that I was a fighter but have since been sadly proven wrong. I may also fall into the "bad parent" category and I am surely not winning any "mother of the year" awards.
So, you may be asking yourself what prompted this post and may be sitting on your hands in anticipation of the story that I am about to tell. So, without further a-do:
Friday was my birthday (yep, turned the big 3-1!) and since our neighbors had so very nicely agreed to watch the babes on Saturday, my hubby decided to take me out to eat at a very nice vineyard. So, as I am getting ready and all fancied up, my two year old decided that he was famished and had to eat right away. The crying fit was quite awful. They (the kids, that is) were going to be eating pizza in about one hour, but I decided to make him a Nutella sandwich to hold him over, and you know, stop the crying. As we are standing in the kitchen he lets out this blood curling, ear piercing, make you think someone had died kind of scream and starts pointing at where he had just been standing. Since it seems that I have passed on my fear of all things creepy crawly I thought maybe he had seen a gecko. My fear of geckos is quite bad. So bad in fact that when I see something move out the corner of eye, I always jump. It could be a flower falling, or ash in the air for instance, and I jump sky high.
But back to my story :-). Now, please keep in mind that I am barefoot because I had not finished getting dressed yet and I usually don't wear shoes around my house. So, as I am frantically looking for the vanishing gecko my son runs around the corner still screaming and then I see it! Sauntering across my kitchen floor like he owned the place. At first I thought it was a mouse it was so big. Now me and mice??? We have a very ugly history so when I "think" I may be seeing one I tend to freak out in a very big way. Well, turns out what I was seeing was not in fact a mouse but a huge, big as my hand, make you pass out from sheer terror, COCKROACH! Umm yeah.... my fear of those things is probably rated higher then my fear of geckos and right below mice...
So.. now, my son is not the only one screaming because I too have joined in on it. And here is where my "bad parent of the year" award is given. Instead of comforting my two year old and whisking him to safety I take off running. And I don't mean that I was sort of skipping or anything. I'm talking full out Olympic style sprinting kind of running. I left my poor two year old alone, in the kitchen, screaming his poor head off. Once he realized that his screams were not the only ones going on and once he saw me take off without him, he starts frantically running after me, arms flapping, screaming "mommy, not without me! NOT WITHOUT MEEEE!!!". And what do I do??? Well, a good mother would have stopped and gotten him. Me??? I keep right on trucking! Apparently I am a flyer and apparently assume the motto "every man for himself" is correct. Who knew??? Certainly not me, because as I am typing this I still cannot believe that I left him and then chose to keep running without him even after I hear him screaming for me. No wonder that when we left for dinner he practically pushed me out the door. I can still see the look on his face when he caught up to me. It was a cross between disbelief and terror.
Anyway, the story does not end there. Once I had arrived at my destination, aka my husband, I start screaming at him about what had just transpired in the kitchen. It was at that point that I realized that my two year old was trailing behind me. Great parenting folks! As I was screaming at my husband it occurred to me that he had this very confused look on his face like he had no idea what was going on. Personally I thought that I was making my point very well and A) he was the dumbest man on the planet because he couldn't understand me (I mean, whats not to understand?? Me screaming and shouting "Kill it with a shoe" should have been clear), B) I wasn't making as much sense as I thought I was (okay, truthfully I could have been speaking gibberish, or Thai for that matter), or C) he again was the dumbest man on the planet because he decided that this was the perfect opportunity to make fun of me. Turns, it was a little bit of both B & C. Once I started making sense (to both of apparently) and once he seemed to have a little fun at my expense, he went to the shoe closet and grabbed my shoe. Of course it was my shoe! There weren't like fifty other shoes to choose from or anything!
And here is where C comes in. As he is standing in the kitchen looking for the roach that had apparently vanished, he says "come and show me where you saw it". So, stupidly I walk barefoot into the kitchen. That poor silly man, lol! He decided that this was prime time to shout "look out, its right behind you!" Umm, lesson learned on his part. You DO NOT, under any circumstance, do that to a very agitated, and very scared woman. As i am jumping and dancing around the kitchen trying to get away from the roach and onto something high it occurs to me that I have turned in a complete circle and that there was no roach behind me. It was at this point that I pummeled that man so hard that he was swearing up and down that he was going to be bruised in the morning. Sorry honey. I know that it is rather embarrassing to have to tell your coworkers that the bruise on your arm was caused by a girl! After he had shaken off his pummeling and after I decided to come back out of my room (yes, I did have to walk away after that to prevent causing further injury to my husband or from my kids learning a few new four letter words), I hear the beautiful sound of shoe smacking floor!
After all was said and done, we both agreed that it was by far the biggest roach either of us had ever seen. We also both agreed that I should never be allowed to take our kids down water slides (whole other story, lol) because of me being a flight risk and all. Oh, and mother of the year??? Totally out of the running. I would however win "loudest screamer of all time" with my two year old coming in second! Guess he just needs to learn to run a little faster now ;-)
Until next time!
Kristen
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